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Saint Mom

I am not a victim. Having a child with autism, it may be easy to fall into that trap of feeling that something bad is happening to me. And, sometimes, it’s difficult to steer clear of that.
Lately, my plate has been full. I mean REALLY, REALLY full. Two kids birthdays and parties, holidays and extra-curricular activities. And, let’s be honest here, I put a lot of pressure on myself. Put it all together and it’s a Molotov cocktail just waiting to ignite!
So, when I let my boy down, I feel the pressure mounting. Jackson is not shy about letting his feelings of disappointment, or his frustration, or his anger known. And I’ve been taking it all on, piling it on to the self inflicted pressure I already have placed upon my shoulders unnecessarily.
I was having a talk with someone today. An adult. You know the kind of talk where you dole out really sage advice and it just rolls of the tongue.
Well, after I spewed out some real good knowledge, it occurred to me that I should keep some of it for myself.
Yes, it is often difficult. It is often trying. But it serves me no good to take my frustrations out on anyone. To sigh deeply when something goes awry, or to stomp in or out of a room to show those around me how frustrated I am.
I am not a child. I am the adult in this scenario and I really need to keep it together.
I DO have some control of the situation. I DO have a say in the outcome of this thing.
My kids feed off my mood. I know this but in the moment I don’t think it really matters to me. After it’s done, I beat myself up about how I could have handled the situation differently. And then the guilt sets in and you can’t escape that. Or at least I can’t. It lingers, it stays with me. And I’m sure it stays with my kids as well.
So, for every golden egg forgotten at Easter, and every toy that is no longer on the market that he doesn’t get for his birthday, or every lunch packed incorrectly, I bear the burden. But it doesn’t make me a victim.
It makes me have to be the one to take it and to move on.
We are all learning, evolving and nothing is set in stone. We have the power to change things. Not everything but some things and we have to learn from poor choices in order to make better ones.
I really can’t expect Jackson to attempt this very precarious idea until I adopt it myself.
Here’s to leading by example, folks. Wish me luck.


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